I swear she didn't look like that last week.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
