the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
