dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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