i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
