I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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