I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
