Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
