:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Operation Purity has been aborted
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
