girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
