Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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