I've blown a few things in my day
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
