Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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