Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
