I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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