we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
