omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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