So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
