If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize