Pappa wants mamma naked
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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