I feel great
I just peed on a car
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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