Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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