I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
