My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
