Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I believe in your delicious
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
