I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
