i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize