they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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