Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
