I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
