fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
