you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
