and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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