I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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