Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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