she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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