The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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