Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize