my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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