i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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