Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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