She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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