I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize