If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
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