last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
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