I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
