I faked an abortion last night.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
