the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
