Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
