Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
