yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
