my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
