the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
