My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
