the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
