I hate all girls vehemently.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
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