Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
