the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
We are all done wearing pants today
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
