So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
